A fast paced, up to date traditional Pantomime, with loads of audience participation. Poor Jack is swindled out of his inheritance. Luckily his cat ‘Puss’ is on hand with the help of the Fairy Godmother who gives ‘Puss’ the magic and cunning to beat the evil Rapscallion who is working for the giant Douchebag. Comedy in abundance from the comedy duo, Slap and Stick. Audience involvement from Dame Burly and Muddles.
Fairy Godmother – The good fairy who assists Puss in becoming magic
Polly – Principal girl
Harry – A villager who is a bit slow on the uptake
Slap – Comedy duo
Stick – Comedy duo
Rapscallion – The villain
Jack – Principal boy
Puss in Boots – The hero cat
Muddles – Comedy part with audience interaction
Dame Birley Shassey – The Dame
Princess Libby – Principal girl
King Dom – Princess Libby’s father, henpecked by the Queen
Queen Edy – Bossy know it all, very domineering
Douchebag – The evil giant
Act 1
Prologue – A cloud above the land of Smileyville
Scene 1 – The Village Smileyville
Scene 2 – A Street in the village
Scene 3 – School hall in the village
Scene 4 – Outside the Royal Palace
Scene 5 – Nelly Crumblebun’s cake shop
Act 2
Scene 1 – The Gardens of the Royal Palace
Scene 2 – A Path heading towards the Castle
Scene 3 – Douchebag’s Kitchen
Scene 4 – A room in the Castle
Scene 5 – The Great Wedding party
Prologue
A cloud above the land of Smileyville
S/FX – Fairy music L/FX – Orange lighting Fairy Godmother enters FAR
Fairy –
Welcome to my little show
The funs about to start
Turn off your phones and share your sweets
And open up your heart
All stories have a tale to tell
Some are even witty
Unfortunately, this has neither
This script is such a pity
The writing is very poor
The story line is slack
So please form a queue
If you want your money back
Pauses and looks round the audience, then speaks
You’ve been warned!
I love to be a fairy
I am pleasant, that is fine
The thing I dislike most
Is rhyming all the time
Even though I’m supposed to rhyme
The script tells me to say
There is a lot to remember
So, I’ll tell my story my way…
Hello lovely people allow me to introduce myself properly and not in a rhyming couplet! My name is Nuff, the Fairy. Fairy Nuff. See what I mean about this script! I am the Fairy Godmother of all the fairies in the universe and I make sure that all my fairies look after all the lovely people and help all the horrible people to become nice. Now, you will have to concentrate because this story takes some following. I will do a recap later for the people who get lost.
Once upon a time, as all good stories start there was a young boy who lived in China who found a magic lamp pauses and thinks apologies that was last year’s nonsense. Do any of you like animals?
Waits for audience reaction
Good, because this story is all about a cat called Puss, yes, Puss in boots. So, are you ready to go to the little village of Smileyville?
Waits for audience reaction
The time is right, the mood is good
We do not want you moping
Let the story now unfold
And get this curtain open
shakes her head in disbelief, looks to the wings
Sorry, that’s about as good as it gets, good luck and it is too late on the refund!
Fairy Godmother exits FAR shaking her head curtain opens
The Joy of Laughter
Copywrite © 2023 Spam Productions. Design by Scarlet-White Graphic Design (Pty) Ltd
A hill overlooking London Town
Loud thunder crack(S/F) and green lighting SL (L/F)
King Rat enters AL
King Rat – Ha ha ha ha ha. I have a feeling I am going to be so lucky tonight. I think I am going to be rich beyond my wildest dreams and live with my darling wife in the Mansion House. Yes the Mansion House, far to posh for any of you to live, the only way any of you could even set foot in there is if you were one of my servants. I am so clever and cunning that my unstoppable plan is for me to become ‘Lord Mayor of London’ so if any of you think differently on your Boris Bike with you. I rule the sewers and rubbish tips and all my rats are just waiting for me to give the order to invade London and scare everyone. Then they will look for their saviour and guess who that is… ME. Some of you were a bit slow on that, but looking round I can understand why
Queen rat enters AL
Queen Rat – What are you doing?
King Rat – Just talking to my friends dear
Queen Rat – You don’t have friends, I’ve seen your Facebook page. Now stop talking to this horrible lot and put my plan into action. I WANT TO BE IN THE MANSION HOUSE BEFORE THE END OF THIS PANTOMIME
King Rat – Yes dear, right away, on it like sonic
Queen Rat – To audience Looks like the holding pen for the Jeremy Kyle show. You have not heard the last of me you snivelling, grotty smelly mob
Queen Rat exits AL
King Rat – See what you’ve done, got me into trouble with my beautiful wife. Her plan, she meant my plan. Now to summon up my rats and take over London
Lighting on AR turns orange (L/F)
Bell music on Fairy entrance (S/F)
Fairy Ding-a-ling enters AR sniffing
Fairy Ding-a-ling – What a smell
LOL
King Rat – Shut the front door
I never met you before
Fairy – I know you haven’t and to audience nor have you
So without further ado
I am Fairy Ding-a-ling
I’ll tell you more as I sing
King Rat – No, not again this is not fine
It’s been done before in Pantomime
Fairy – So I’ll tell you then, so listen fast
Your reign of terror will not last
I am Ding-a-ling from the bells of bow
And they are very powerful you know
King Rat – Don’t frighten me the bells can’t harm
Especially with my good looks and charm
Fairy – Good looks? Oh please just stop
They wouldn’t improve with photo shop
And as for charm you are a phony
Lonely hearts are not that lonely
King Rat – If that’s all you’ve got to say
Goodbye fairy, be on your way
My plan is cunning to be fare
By the end of this Panto, I’ll be Lord Mayor
Fairy – You, Lord Mayor, leave me alone
Please bring back Ken Livingstone
You will fail, with options fewer
And your rats reject you from the sewer
Scene continues
Another Scene
Act 1
Scene 1 – Full stage
Outside Sam and Ella’s coffee shop
Full lighting (L/F)
Song 1 – Chorus
Set – coffee shop set up various table and chairs
After song Libby enters USR
Libby – Morning all, what a busy time we have today. These rats are everywhere and making things so difficult. I am so pleased we are sailing to Morocco tomorrow and getaway from these horrible vermin. I am so looking forward to getting away, aren’t you?
All – Yes
Villager1 – Libby why is the coffee shop called Sam and Ella’s?
Libby – It is named after my Dad and Mum. My Dad’s name is Sam and my Mum was called Ella
Villager2 – What happened to your Mum?
Libby – She became poorly and the Dr’s recommended we rub grease all over her body. She went downhill very quickly after that
Villager3 – It is so kind of you and your father to look after her Mum
Libby – I know she can be a bit of a handful, but she means no harm
Villager4 – Her she comes now
Gran enters USL dressed in spandex with a fake tan and windswept hair
Gran – There you are Libby, I’ve been looking for you. I had a 2 for 1 groupon voucher for the Spa and as I couldn’t find you I used them both
Libby – looking Gran up and down in disbelief
You used both on one visit?
Gran – Yes, you don’t want waste it, do you?
Libby – Yes Gran, do you want a coffee?
Gran – Oh yes, I’ll have a defecated Americano
Libby – Don’t you mean an ordinary decaffeinated black coffee?
Gran – That’s what I said
Alderman Sam enters SR
Sam – Morning all. I hope everything is in order for us to sail tomorrow; I am fed up with all these rats! Turns to see Gran Argh look there is one sitting in our coffee shop
Libby – Father that is Gran
Sam – Gran!!! Hello Gran what’s happened to you?
Libby – She’s been to the Spa
Sam – Was she mugged at the till?
Libby – Father, the health Spa. Are we sure this is the right decision to leave for Morocco?
Sam – Yes, we need a fresh start after your Mother died and these rats are unbearable. So everyone let’s get ready to move all our things down to the docks. Where is that lazy apprentice Billy, has anyone seen him?
Another Scene
Billy enters USL
Billy – Hello everyone my name is Billy and you are?
Every time I come on stage I will shout out ‘hello kids’ and you can shout back ‘hello Billy’ will you do that for me… Great now let’s give it a try. Hello kids….. etc.
Nautical music (S/F)
Captain Cod and Sidney Squid enter USR
Cod – Hello young man! I am the Captain of the SS Milly Band and this is my 1st mate Sidney Squid.
Billy – SS Milly Band, I’d change that if I were you
Cod – Do you know it is bad luck to re-name a ship?
Billy – Do you know it is bad luck to have the name Milly Band? Comes from the Latin to stab in the back
Cod – No, but luck has nothing to do with it. When you have all the experience that we have
Sidney – Yeh, we used to be in charge of the rowing boats and pedalo’s at the (local) lake. To the audience We had an incident yesterday, I shouted out ‘come in number 61 your time is up. Captain said ‘Sidney, we don’t have a number 61! I shouted ‘number 19 are you in trouble’
Billy – You seem a clever lad, so you work together as a team?
Sidney – Well yes, he does all the looking and I do all the work
Billy – How long?
Sidney – 5 foot 2 inches
Cod – Don’t listen to him, he is a gross ignoramus
Billy – What do you mean?
Cod – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. Now I need someone to help me, someone who is responsible
Sidney – That’s me, because every time something goes wrong, you say I’m responsible
Cod – See what I mean, he is so thick, if you gave him a penny for his thoughts you’d get change. Cod puts his arm around Billy’s shoulder so would you be interested in making some money?
Billy – Get orf
Cod – No I mean becoming a deck hand
Billy – A croupier, shuffling cards. No thanks; I am off before these two get me doing something I don’t want to do. See you later kids
Billy exits USR
Cod – Why did you tell him we worked at the boating lake? Are you trying to make me look stupid?
Sidney – No you can do that by yourself
Alderman Sam enters SR
Sam – Captain I’ve been looking for you. Are we ready for our voyage tomorrow?
Cod – Oh yes sir, we are. We’ve had the Milly Band refitted. New Anchor, new toilets, new galley and new gangplank
Sam – What about new sales and rigging?
Cod – We could not afford that, we tried to get a grant from the Welsh Assembly, they’ve run out of money, but we did get a new wheelie bin
Sam – Will the lack of new sales slow us down?
Cod – Yes it will, not sure what we can do
Nelly Crumb enters USL carrying her laundry. She does not acknowledge the others and pulls out a huge pair of knickers. All three look at the knickers and then each other
Sidney – I think we solved the sale problem
Another Scene
Fairy stands downstage as dick enters USL carrying his stick and bundle
Dick – I’ve walked all the way from Cardiff and now here I am in the streets of London and if I had known it was going to be this far I should have got people to sponsor me! Justgiving.com. These streets don’t look paved in gold, what am I to do. I am so hungry I could go down to Kentucky fried chicken and lick someone else’s fingers. I know I’ll get a job
Londoner enter SR
Dick – Do you know where I can get a job?
Londoner – You be lucky there are no jobs going round here
Londoner exits SL another enters SR
Dick – Do you know of anyone who is looking for a hard-working, honest and reliable person to employ?
Londoner – No one is hiring, the rats are scaring everyone away
Londoner exits SL
Dick – Rats, I hate rats, if only I could think of a way to get rid of them
Dick sits down and thinks
Fairy – This young man looks good enough to me
With his friend they can set us free
Of all the horrible smelly rats
I think it’s time to meet our cat
TC the magic cat sticks his head around USR flat
Song 2 – Top Cat
Top Cat theme music (S/F) TC does a tap dance
Dick does not see the cat; once the dance is finished he walks to the front of the stage whilst TC walks behind him, audience re-action
Dick – What?
Audience – Behind you
Dick moves round in a circle does not see TC
Audience – Behind you
Dick – Who are you?
TC whispers in Dick’s ear
Dick – Queasy?
TC shakes his head
Dick – Can’t be sleazy? Can it? No, is it Weasy?
TC shakes his head
Dick – Ok tell me again
TC whispers in his ear
Dick – Pleasey
TC – Shouts TC
Dick – TC, I know what that stands for ‘Top Cat’
TC shakes his head and a starts to tap dance
Dick – Tap Cat
TC nods his head in agreement
Dick – Well TC I hope we can be friends, do you know where I can get some work?
TC points to Sam and Ella’s as Libby enters SR
Libby – Hello what a picture of beauty, you are so handsome, what is your name?
Dick – Why thank you, Dick Whittington slaps his thigh it is nice to meet someone who has great taste
Libby – Sorry did you say something; I was talking to the cat
Prologue
A hill overlooking London Town
Loud thunder crack(S/F) and green lighting SL (L/F)
Covid Rat enters AL
Covid Rat – Ha ha ha ha ha. I have a feeling I am going to be so lucky tonight. I think I am going to be rich beyond my wildest dreams and live with my darling wife in the Mansion House. Yes, the Mansion House, far to posh for any of you to live, the only way any of you could even set foot in there is if you were one of my servants. I am so clever and cunning that my unstoppable plan is for me to become ‘Lord Mayor of London’ so if any of you think differently. The government levelling up programme is just words! I rule the sewers and rubbish tips and all my rats are just waiting for me to give the order to invade London and scare everyone. Then they will look for their saviour and guess who that is… ME. Some of you were a bit slow on that, but looking round I can understand why
Corona Corona Rat enters AL
Corona Rat – What are you doing?
Covid – Just talking to my friends dear
Corona – You don’t have friends, I’ve seen your Facebook page. Now stop talking to this horrible lot and put my plan into action. I WANT TO BE IN THE MANSION HOUSE BEFORE THE END OF THIS PANTOMIME
Covid – Yes dear, right away, on it like sonic
Corona – To audience Looks like the holding pen for the Jeremy Kyle show. You have not heard the last of me you snivelling, grotty smelly mob
Corona Rat exits AL
Covid – See what you’ve done, got me into trouble with my beautiful wife. Her plan, she meant my plan. Now to summon up my rats and take over London.
Lighting on AR turns orange (L/F)
Bell music on Fairy entrance (S/F) Fairy Ding-a-ling enters AR sniffing
Fairy Ding-a-ling – What a smell
LOL
Covid – Shut the front door
I never met you before
Fairy – I know you haven’t and to audience nor have you
So, without further ado
I am Fairy Ding-a-ling
I’ll tell you more as I sing
Covid – No, not again this is not fine
It’s been done before in Pantomime
Fairy – So I’ll tell you then, so listen fast
Your reign of terror will not last
I am Ding-a-ling from the bells of bow
And they are very powerful you know
Covid – Don’t frighten me the bells can’t harm
Especially with my good looks and charm
Fairy – Good looks? Oh, please just stop
They wouldn’t improve with photo shop
And as for charm you are a phony
Lonely hearts are not that lonely
Covid – If that’s all you’ve got to say
Goodbye fairy, be on your way
My plan is cunning to be fare
By the end of this Panto, I’ll be Lord Mayor
Fairy – You, Lord Mayor, that’s out of Wack
Please bring Boris Johnstone back
You will fail, with options fewer
As your rats reject you from the sewer
Covid – Reject me, NO, I am their king
And this is not opportunity to sing
Your meddling will cause no stress
I will be Mayor and my wife Mayoress
Fairy – Do not underestimate my power
As the bells ring on the hour
Your cunning plan will not succeed
As a champion is what I need
Covid – No human mortal could beat me
My evil will get stronger you’ll see
I must move on and that is that
Fairy – If not a human, perhaps a cat
So on with your plans, off you go
Quicker than that, you are quite slow
Covid Rat exits AL
Now the hard work starts, let me explain
This script is week and a real pain
The money you’ve paid is such crime
But, on with this third-rate Pantomime!
Fairy exits AR
Another Scene
Billy enters USL
Billy – Hello everyone my name is Billy, and you are?
Every time I come on stage I will shout out ‘hello kids’ and you can shout back ‘hello Billy’ will you do that for me… Great now let’s give it a try. Hello kids….. etc.
Nautical music (S/F)
Captain Cod and Sid Squid enter USR
Cod – Hello young man! I am the Captain of the SS Tories, and this is my 1st mate Sid Squid
Billy – SS Tories, I’d change that if I were you
Cod – Do you know it is bad luck to re-name a ship?
Billy – Bad luck, Tories! If its anything like the Tories, it will be sinking before it gets out of the harbour
Cod – No, but luck has nothing to do with it. When you have all the experience that we have
Sid – Yeh, we used to be in charge of the rowing boats at the (local) lake. To the audience We had an incident yesterday, I shouted out ‘come in number 61 your time is up’. Captain said ‘Sid, we don’t have a number 61!’ I shouted ‘number 19 are you in trouble’
Billy – You seem a clever lad, so you look as if you work together as a team?
Sid – Well yes, he does all the looking and I do all the work
Billy – How long?
Sid – 5 foot 2 inches
Cod – Don’t listen to him, he is a gross ignoramus
Billy – What do you mean?
Cod – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus. Now I need someone to help me, someone who is responsible
Sid – That’s me, because every time something goes wrong, you say I’m responsible
Cod – See what I mean, he is so thick, if you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change. Cod puts his arm around Billy’s shoulder so would you be interested in making some money?
Billy – Get orf
Cod – No I mean becoming a deck hand
Billy – A croupier, shuffling cards. No thanks, I am off before these two get me doing something I don’t want to do. See you later kids
Billy exits USR
Cod – Why did you tell him we worked at the boating lake? Are you trying to make me look stupid?
Sid – No you can do that by yourself
Alderman Sam enters SR
Sam – Captain I’ve been looking for you. Are we ready for our voyage tomorrow?
Cod – Oh yes sir, we are. We’ve had the SS Tories refitted. New Anchor, new toilets, new galley, and new gangplank
Sam – What about new sails and rigging?
Cod – We could not afford that, we tried to get a grant from the Welsh Assembly, they’ve run out of money, something about a lot of road signs they’ve bought! But we did get a new wheelie bin
Sam – Will the lack of new sails slow us down?
Cod – Yes it will, not sure what we can do.
Nelly Crumb enters USL carrying her laundry. She does not acknowledge the others and pulls out a huge pair of knickers. All three look at the knickers and then each other
Sid – I think we solved the sale problem
Another Scene
Dick enters USL carrying his stick and bundle
Dick – I’ve walked all the way from Cardiff and now here I am in the streets of London and if I had known it was going to be this far, I should have got people to sponsor me! Justgiving.com. These streets don’t look paved in gold, what am I to do. I am so hungry I could go down to Kentucky fried chicken and lick someone else’s fingers. I know I’ll get a job
Londoner enter SR
Dick – Do you know where I can get a job?
Lndnr 1 – You be lucky there are no jobs going round here
Londoner exits SL another enters SR
Dick – Do you know of anyone who is looking for a hard-working, honest, and reliable person to employ?
Lndnr 2 – No one is hiring, the rats are scaring everyone away
Londoner exits SL
Dick – Rats, I hate rats, if only I could think of a way to get rid of them
Dick sits down and thinks
Fairy – This young man looks good enough to me
With his friend they can set us free
Of all the horrible smelly rats
I think it’s time to meet our cat
TC the magic cat sticks her head around USR flat
Song 2 – Top Cat
Top Cat theme music (S/F) TC does a dance
Dick does not see the cat; once the dance is finished, he walks to the front of the stage whilst TC walks behind him, audience re-action
Dick – What?
Audience – Behind you
Dick moves round in a circle does not see TC
Audience – Behind you
Dick – Who are you?
TC whispers in Dick’s ear
Dick – Queasy?
TC shakes his head
Dick – Can’t be sleazy? Can it? No. is it Weasy?
TC shakes his head
Dick – Ok tell me again
TC whispers in his ear
Dick – Pleasey
TC – Shouts TC
Dick – TC, I know what that stands for ‘Top Cat’
TC shakes his head and a starts to tap dance
Dick – Tap Cat
TC nods his head in agreement
Dick – Well TC I hope we can be friends; do you know where I can get some work?
TC points to Sam and Ella’s as Libby enters SR
Libby – Hello what a picture of beauty, you are so handsome, what is your name?
Dick – Why thank you, Dick Whittington slaps his thigh it is nice to meet someone who has great taste
Libby – Sorry did you say something; I was talking to the cat
Dick – Oh! Looking a bit cress fallen this is TC and you are?
Libby – Libby Aritan. My father is Sam Aritan and he owns Sam and Ella’s coffee shop
Dick – Are there any jobs going, I am desperate, and I haven’t eaten for days
TC gives a loud meow and rubs his tummy
Dick – TC hasn’t eaten either and you would want us to starve, would you?
Libby – Of course not. I will ask my Father. Father
Alderman Sam enters SR
Another Scene
Act 1
Scene 2
A street in London
Green subdued lighting (L/F)
Covid Rat enters AL
Covid – You lot still here? Oh, I am so excited my rats are running havoc all over London and my plan to get everyone to leave is working. They are all sailing to Morocco where they think they will be safe!! Ha ha little do they know they are just sailing further into trouble
Corona Rat enters AL
Corona – There you are I’ve been looking for you
Covid – Grovelling sorry dear, just talking to my friends
Corona – How many times, you idiot, they are not your friends, looking at them I doubt if they have any of their own friends. In fact, all I see out there is a bunch of sad losers, if you don’t believe me, why are you at this show? You could be doing something more interesting, like washing your hair. Now come on I am ready for my bath, and I want you to come and shave my back, I know how you enjoy that
Covid – Enjoy that!!!
Corona – Don’t stand there, pretending to this lot that you are interesting. You are a puerile little mouse
Corona Rat exits AL
Covid – Shave her back. I would prefer to listen to Cold Play. Now I have to carry on with my plan
Bell music on Fairy entrance (S/F) Lighting on AR turns orange (L/F)
Fairy enters AR
Fairy – Hello my lovelies, going well
Sniffs the air Oh I recognise that smell
Gets up your nose and makes you sneeze
Couldn’t eliminate that with Fabreze
Covid – Oh look at you, you think you’re immortal
All you do is make me chortle
You think you’re clever enough to stop this rat
With a lad called Dick and his stupid cat
Fairy walks towards Covid Rat
Fairy – Listen stinky and listen well
This audience can’t stand your smell
If that is true, they don’t want you near
Come on my lovelies give me a cheer
Audience reaction – cheering
Covid – You horrible lot don’t give me strife
I am not scared, you’ve met my wife
The fight is on, and I smell death
Fairy – I think you’ll find that is your breath
Covid – Don’t dis me that so unfair
You’ll show respect when I’m Lord Mayor
How you will suffer under my rule
So do not take me FOR A FOOL
Fairy – Now, listen brush face, stop your stalling
I think I hear you wife is calling
Now run along, or you’ll face the sack
Its time go and shave her back
Covid – I will be back and all of you are going to suffer Ha ha ha
Covid Rat exits AL Green lighting changes to orange (L/F)
Fairy – We hope his plan will not un-hatch
He’s like an itch you can-not scratch
I must make sure I seal his fate
Must go now or I’ll be late
Fairy exits AR
Prologue
The Cloud above the Land of Smileyville
Loud thunder crack (S/F 1) and green lighting SL (L/F) Corona enters FAL
Corona – Ha! Ha! Ha! Let me introduce myself. I am Corona, the legend of nightmares. So, this is Smileyville looks at audience and you lot must be its citizens! Well, there is no chance of its survival, not even the conservative levelling up programme could help you lot!
Giant – Fe Fi Fo Fum
Off stage: I smell the blood of a stupid Welshmen
Mic: Be they alive or be they dead
I’ll grind their bones to make my bread
Corona – Ha, ha ha! That is the voice of my master, Giant Hugh, last name Mungus pauses I’ll leave you to work it out! Shakes head This is going to be a long show. To the audience Look you lot, this is not rocket lettuce, it’s a Panto! Nothing too difficult and if any of you know the writer this is not going to be Line of Duty. I could be H for all you know! Shrugs shoulders Look its simple, like a lot of you, I come on and create a bit of mayhem. You do what you want with it! Now I need to get some gullible idiots for the Giants supper, and I don’t have to look far
Fairy bells (S/F 2) and orange lighting SR (L/F) Fairy enters FAR
Fairy Daff – Hello my lovelies, what’s all this fuss?
It’s almost enough to make one cuss
My name is Fairy Daffodil
But call me Daff, as you will
Corona – Daff, more like Duff
Fairy Daff – Oi you, you’re naughty and wrong
Allow me to tell you in song
Corona – No its ok, I heard you sing last Panto. What’s all this rhyming couplets rubbish?
Fairy Daff – The writer does insist on it
If you ask me, I think its… rubbish
That’s to prove at this time
See, it doesn’t always rhyme
Corona – Couplets! Easy, Let me have ago
These rhymes are easy to make
Looks like you fallen off a cake
Fairy Daff – RUDE!
Oh, look at you, you are a mess
Dressed like that, you won’t impress
Your evil ways will not last long
Allow me to tell you, in a song
Corona – NO! This lot are going to suffer enough with this script. It does not need your singing on top of it. Anyway, I don’t need you interfering with my mission in getting supper for my master. So, just go away
Fairy Daff – No, it’s you that should go away
And never come back forever and a da
yOr, a fight you’ll have, and you won’t be a winner
And these lovely people, will never be dinner
Corona – A fight, sounds good, so bring it on
And you’ll never win that even in song
To the audience See, this rhyming rubbish is so easy
Must be going people to frighten Ha! Ha! Ha! I’m off
Corona exits FAL – green lighting stops (L/F)
Fairy Daff – Off, thought I could smell something, right though
A song is not even near enough
To the audience My friends you will help when things get tough
Won’t you ………
And now I think I’m out of rhyme
So, on with this third-rate Pantomime
Fairy exits FAR as curtain opens
Another Scene
Corona enters SL – green lighting SL (L/F)
Corona – Look at this! What hope do they have if this is the level of intelligence? I am Corona, and I am here to do my duty of supplying humans for the Giant to eat. He wants all shapes and sizes for snacks and for meals, I might even come down there and handpick them myself. Obviously, there are few too big for me to pick up, but the giant will get you himself
Covid creep enters SR
Covid – Oh hello, and whom might you be?
Corona – My name is Corona, and I am the protector of the Giant and who are you?
Covid – I’m Covid Creep and I’m the major landowner in these parts
Corona – How interesting, I do believe we could have a mutual interest if we joined forces
Covid – In what way?
Corona – Well I’m here to get humans for the giant’s dinner and I need you to assist in supplying me, then there will be no one left, and you can take their property and rent it out
Covid – Ding dong, I do like a bit of skulduggery. Ha ha ha. So, would you like me to do exactly?
Corona – First I would like you to get me the names and where abouts of all the insignificant wasters in this village so I can take them to the giant
Covid – Well that won’t take me long as I have my little black book shows his book
Corona – Give it to me now
Covid – Not so quick. I will give you the list all in good time. Before that I need your assistance in something. You see, I love money and property want as much as I can, and I have my eye on the palace
Corona – You’ll have to be smart to out-wit with the King. I just heard him conning his two idiots out of their wages
Covid – You see the King loves his daughter and I believe that if I can get her to marry me, I can then take over the palace and supply you with as many poor people as you want
Corona – What if she doesn’t want to marry you?
Covid – Easy, she will then become a little snack for the giant
Corona – I can see we are both going to get what we want. Just to help you in scaring people, tell them you have received a message from the giant that they must all please and worship the giant or they will all be destroyed. See you later to the audience you snivelling lot will rue the day we met. Ha ha ha
Corona exits SL as 6 villagers enter SR green lighting stops (L/F)
Villager 1 – Oh no, that’s bad timing there is Covid Creep
Villager 2 – Quick lets go before he sees us
Covid – Hello you lot, you saved me the time looking for you. Just in case you don’t take me seriously I now have the giant support and I warn you, if you do not start pleasing me and the Giant, you will all suffer. Do you understand?
All – Yes
Covid – Good, In the words of Arnold Schwarzenegger, “I’ll be back”
Covid exits SL
Another Scene
Billy enters USL
Billy – Hiya kids. Hiya Mum, what you doing?
Dame – Second thoughts, not that difficult. What does it look like, I’m riding a bike!
Billy – Oh yes, from this angle I can still see the saddle bags
Dame – Oh you are so rude. I am talking to these lovely people. Now, Isn’t it time we milked Daisy?
Billy – Yes, it is, I haven’t seen her. Perhaps we should give her a call
Dame – The boys and girls will help us, won’t you? (Wait for audience) after 3 – 1, 2, 3 – DAISY
Billy – You’ll have to shout louder than that 1, 2, 3 – Daisy
Daisy enters USR and parades around the stage – light music (S/F 6)
Dame – There you are Daisy and aren’t you looking well (Daisy nods her head). Now say hello to the boys and girls and show them how clever you are
Daisy does some acrobatic movements, completely non cow like
Billy – Well who’s a clever girl. Now come over here and we can milk you. And then go down the market and sell the milk to earn some money
Dame – Billy where are the milking things? Right, you go and get the bucket and I will go and get the stool
Dame exits FFR, Billy exits FFL to get bucket and stool, Daisy goes USR
Billy enters FFL
Billy – Where are you, Daisy?
Sees Daisy USR as Dame enters FFR
There you are you silly cow
Dame – Rude – how dare you say that about your dear old mother
Billy – I didn’t mean you mum, I meant Daisy
Daisy dances about
Dame – Come on Daisy behave yourself, you are acting like 2 people in a cows costume
Billy sits on the stool, Daisy moves to be milked, shakes her udders
Billy – Oh look she is going to make a milkshake
Daisy lowers a milk bottle out of her udders
Billy – Full fat
Dame – Rude
Billy – Not you mum, the milk
Dame – That’s no good, we want semi-skilled
Daisy takes bottle off Billy and changes to semi skimmed a hand is clearly seen
Billy – There’s something with Daisy I am not sure about
Lighting dims (L/F)
Giant – Fe Fi Fo Fum
Off stage: I smell the blood of a stupid Welshmen
Mic: Be they alive or be they dead
I’ll grind their bones to make my bread
Billy, Dame, and Daisy run off FFR
Corona enters AL – green lighting SL (L/F)
Corona – So Jack is going to send a virus to the giant! What a load of nonsense. These people are so stupid to the audience almost as stupid as you lot! Now I have work to do
Covid enters AL
Another Scene
Jack enters SR carrying and iPad
Jack – Who don’t you like or trust?#
Princess – Covid Creep!
Jack – I feel the same. He’s always chasing my mum for the rent
Princess – He wants me to marry him so he can solve my parents money problems
Jack – Inquisitively You wouldn’t marry him, would you?
Princess – NO! if you think I would have, you don’t know me at all
Jack – Sorry. I just wanted to make sure cause…
Princess – Let’s change the subject. What have you got there?
Jack – This is my iPad
Princess – My Gran’s bought an iPad for my father for his birthday
Jack – Didn’t think the King would be into an iPad. How’s he getting on with it?
Princess – OK, but he says it is no good for his eyesight
Jack – Strange my eyes are not affected by mine. Oh Princess, I wish I had loads of money and perhaps you would marry me
Princess – Oh Jack, you are such a dreamer. Could you really imagine my father allowing us to marry?
Jack – No, I suppose not, but, if he was here now, I’d, I’d…
Princess – You’d what? Ask him?
Jack – Jack nods his head Yes
Princess – Oh Jack if only it could be possible. Royalty cant marry commoners especially commoners with no money. Not unless they are American
Jack – One day Libby I will be rich, and your father will beg me to marry you
Princess – We can only but dream
Prologue
The Cloud above the Land of Smileyville
Loud thunder crack(S/F) and green lighting SL (L/F)
Fleshcreep enters AL
Fleshcreep – Ha! Ha! Ha!
Dragons and lizards are my friends
And I will use evil to achieve my ends
I will be quiet, and sometimes loud
To get these idiots, to climb into the cloud.
Giant – Fe Fi Fo Fum
Off stage: I smell the blood of a stupid Welshmen
Mic: Be he alive or be he dead
I’ll grind his bones to make my bread.
Fleshcreep – Let misery destroy this place
For all must obey and never save face
I’ll make it cold and never thaw
And ruled by Giant Thunderbore.
Ha! Ha! Ha!
You Cardiff fools, you will not spurn
And in the voice of Mr Burns
No one is brave enough to stop
The rule of the Giant, no-one will top!
Ha! Ha! Ha!
Fairy bells (S/F) and orange lighting SR (L/F)
Fairy enters AR
Fairy Daff – Hello my lovelies, what’s all this fuss?
It’s almost enough to make one cuss
My name is Fairy Daffodil
But call me Daff, as you will.
Oi you, you’re naughty and wrong
Allow me to tell you all in a song.
On stage, Princess and Gran
After the song some of the villagers leave
Town Crier – Oh yea! Oh yea!, Ladies, Gentlemen, boys, girls and those who are not sure. I have an important anoon, anooon, anunnn… thing to say. “If anyone is brave enough to kill Giant Thunderbore and rid this land of all oppression, coldness, darkness… Oh I’ve only just realised how bleak this is. I normally just read this out, not taking in what I am actually reading. (starts to sob)
Villager 1 – Now I know why they call him the town crier!
Villagers – GET ON WITH IT
Town Crier – Sorry. Their reward will be Princess Libby’s hand in marriage
Villager 2 – Just her hand?
Princess – Oh Gran, he announces that every day, but there is no-one brave enough to take on the Giant.
Gran – Or stupid enough!
Princess – What do you mean by that?
Gran – Oh sorry. That didn’t come out right. I meant stupid enough to take on the Giant.
Princess – I know what you meant Gran. Oh, I dream about a day when all our worries are over and I marry a handsome, loving, funny, generous, caring, polite, sensible man, who is understanding of women’s needs – and is tidy around the house.
Gran – Are you on medication? A man like that doesn’t exist!
Nuts and Crackers enter USR with trumpets – Royal Fanfare (S/F)
Princess – Here comes Father and Mother
N & C – Stand to attention and welcome the Royal Party – King Charles the Spaniel and Queen Camilla.
King and Queen enter USR
King – Thank you. Thank you all. How respectful (Villagers and Gran pull faces behind their backs). Well it is a lovely day for it
Queen – For it? For what?
King – For it. For someone to be brave
Gran – Or stupid
King – BRAVE enough to get rid of Giant Thunderbore once and for all. Anyone?
Some Villagers exit SL & SR
This is getting me down. No-one comes to our village. So we get no tourism, we have no money, and the only way things could get worse, is if we had to host a NATO summit!
Queen – Things aren’t that bad, at least we’re not shopping in LIDL!
Gran – I do. Their hair products are so cheap. I am amazed no-one else uses them!
Everyone stares in disbelief at Grans hair
King – There is only one thing for it, we will have to get Princess Libby married off to a very rich man
Princess – But Father, I don’t want to marry a man for money. I want to marry a man for love
Queen – Well, sometimes you have to compromise. I did!
Gran – Yes, you compromised so much, you didn’t get money or love!
Queen – Oh come on Libby we have better things to do than to listen to her acid tongue. Why don’t you do something to occupy your time, like getting a job
Scene continues
Gran – Me, get a job! I’m too old to get a job even at B & Q. (To audience) I do have a part time job, but I don’t want these to know
Princess – Oh Mum, she’s not dissin you, just pulling your leg
Queen – She went on my Facebook and updated my status to – desperate!!!!
Queen, Princess and Gran leave USR
Nuts – King, we need to talk to you about our wages
King – Wages? What wages?
Crackers – Yes, exactly, what wages? We have not been paid for over 12 months!
King – But you haven’t worked for the last 12 months.
N & C – How do you work that out?
Goes to the blackboard – stage prop
King – It’s easy. There are 365 days in a year. Correct?
Nuts – Except a leap year is 366. See, I’m not completely thick
King – No, not completely. Now assuming you work 8 hours a day… and there are 24 hours in a day … so you only work a third of the day. Yes?
N & C – Well, yes…
King – So that 3 into 366 leaves 122 days. Now you don’t work Saturdays and Sundays do you?
N & C – Well, no…
King – There are 52 Saturdays and 52 Sundays, so that is another 104 days you don’t work. 104 from 122 leave 18, doesn’t it?
N & C – Well, yes, but…
King – And you get 2 weeks holiday, so 14 from 18 leaves 4 days doesn’t it?
N & C – Yes, but….
King – Oh and I almost forgot, there are 4 Bank Holidays, so 4 from 4 equals nothing
Nuts – Hang on, this year is not a Leap year
King – You are right! So, you owe me a day’s pay!
Another Scene
Jack enters USR
Jack – Hiya everyone, what a great day for it
Villager 1 – For what?
Jack – For it. For someone to be brave
Gran enters FFL walks past in the background exits FFR
Gran – Or stupid
Jack – Brave and clever enough to beat the Giant
Villager 2 – Jack this is the first time I can remember seeing you without a book in your hands
Jack – Books are old school. I use a kindle now
Villager 3 – A what?
Jack – A kindle, it’s a book with no pages to turn, and it’s in a tablet
Villager 2 – Oh Jack, you’ve really gone this time. A book with no pages, a tablet. The only tablet you need is one to take
Jack – Hey come on, this time I really am on to something
Villager 4 – What is it this time? Is it fruit based? You told us all you could communicate with an Apple and a Blackberry as long as you used an Orange!!!!!
Jack – Ok that was a bit ambitious, but all I have to do is to get to the Giant and give him a virus to stop him using the web
Villager 5 – The web? He’s not a spider, he’s a Giant. Come on everyone let’s leave him to his dreams
Song 2 – Jack
Jack – Oh well, back from the world of dreams. I must go and tell Mum about my ideas
Another Scene
Billy enters USL
Billy – Hello Kids. Hiya Mum, what you doing?
Dame – What does it look like, I’m riding a bike
Billy – Oh yes, from this angle I can still see the saddle bags
Dame – Oh you are Silly. I am talking to these lovely people. Isn’t it time we milked Daisy?
Billy – Yes it is, I haven’t seen her. Perhaps we should give her a call
Dame – The boys and girls will help us won’t you? (Wait for audience) after 3 – 1, 2, 3 – DAISY
Billy – You’ll have to shout louder than that 1, 2, 3 – Daisy
Daisy enters USR and parades around the stage – light music (S/F)
Dame – There you are Daisy and aren’t you looking well (Daisy nods her head). Now say hello to the boys and girls and show them how clever you are. (Daisy does some acrobatic movements, completely non cow like)
Billy – Well who’s a clever girl. Now come over here and we can milk you. And then go down the market and sell the milk to earn some money
Dame – Billy where are the milking things? Right, you go and get the bucket and I will go and get the stool
Dame exits FFR, Billy exits FFL to get bucket and stool, Daisy goes USR
Billy enters FFL
Billy – Where are you Daisy? (Sees Daisy USR as Dame enters FFR) There you are, you silly cow
Dame – Rude – how dare you say that about your dear old mother
Billy – I didn’t mean you mum, I meant Daisy
Daisy dances about
Dame – Come on Daisy behave yourself, you are acting like 2 men in a cows costume
Billy sits on the stool, Daisy moves to be milked, shakes her udders
Billy – Oh look she is going to make a milkshake
Daisy lowers a milk bottle out of her udders
Billy – Full fat
Dame – Rude
Billy – Not you mum, the milk
Dame – That’s no good, we want semi-skilled
Daisy picks the bottle off Billy and changes to semi skimmed
A hand is clearly seen
Billy – There’s something with Daisy I am not sure about
Prologue
A cloud above the land of Smileyville
S/FX – Fairy music L/FX – Orange lighting Fairy Queen carrying a book enters with 4 fairies FAR
Fairy Q – The time has come for me to say
Welcome to my show
Another year has passed again
This year did start off slow
That nasty virus kept us in
For some to pass the time
They sat at their computer
And wrote this Pantomime!
Apologies for this script
It really is frustration
If you want my opinion
He should have stayed in isolation!
Now is the time of year
We recognise success
People who made a mark
Who helped us thru this mess!
Fairy Edy enters FAR
Fairy Edy, welcome
You are just in time, I say
To help me hand out the awards
So be on your merry way
Fairy Q hands Edy a handful of certificates
Edy – I love my job for all its worth
We recognise the good on earth
Nurses, Doctors, Ambulance crew
Care workers in all they do
But generally, I don’t think twice
As every person is always nice
S/FX – Thunder L/FX – Green lighting
Corona the witch enters FAL
Corona – Always nice! What a load of rubbish
Fairy Q ushers the 4 fairies off FAR
Fairy Q – Oh no it’s the witch Corona. I thought you had retired
Corona – Me, retired! I took some time out after that little virus I shared
Fairy Q – You are so evil
Corona – We are all evil, it’s just that with some people they just don’t know it yet
Edy – You are wrong, every person I’ve ever met has always been kind, considerate and helpful
Corona – You are missing out on so much fun. If you really believe that all people are nice. Allow me the opportunity to disprove you both
Edy – Never! We would not allow you to try and make people bad
Corona – I don’t think you heard me; I didn’t say make them bad. I said they are already evil; they just don’t know it yet. So, if you are so confident, what have you got to lose?
Fairy Q – Corona you will never defeat me. Good will always triumph over everything as long as people believe
Corona – People don’t believe and I will prove it. So, what are you willing to wager as you are so confident?
Fairy Q – A packet of 24 toilet rolls?
Corona – Quite a few months ago that would be tempting. No, I want what you have. I want your home and all your fairies to serve me. Especially you Fairy Edy
Edy – That will never happen. I will never serve you! But if you lose, you will serve us
Corona – We’ll see. Now I must be off
Edy – I thought I could smell something
Corona – I am going to earth to prove that people don’t believe
Fairy Q – to the audience You believe, don’t you? Audience reacts
Corona – We’ll see. By the end of this Panto, you will all be cheering for me
Corona exits FAL
Another Scene
Covid – I would, now why are you all standing round? You should be busying yourselves getting my money
All 4 villagers exit SL
Dim enters SR
There you are, where is the other one
Dim – Other one, what!
Covid – The other one, your idiotic partner
Dim – He’s not here
Covid – You don’t say!!
Dim – I did!
Covid – Did what?
Dim – Did say, say he’s not here!
Covid – I know you did, I heard you
Dim – But you said, ‘you didn’t say’!
Covid – I was being funny!
Dim – You, funny! about as funny as toothache
Covid – So I’ve been told. Now where is the other half of the dynamic duo
Dim – He’s been out in the fields helping McDonald with his farm
Covid – Now there’s a cue for a song
Wit enters SR singing
Wit – E I E I O
Covid – Where have you been?
Wit – Not here
Dim – See, I was right. I told you he wasn’t here!
Covid – To the audience Do villages have two idiots?
Dim – Yes, they do, and I know that ‘cause every village we’ve been in, people have asked the same question
Covid – Shaking his head in disbelief Now there’s a surprise! Dim, be quiet for a moment. Wit, what have you been doing?
Wit – I’ve been looking after a flock of cows
Covid – Sternly Herd of cows!
Wit – Heard of cows, of course I have. I’ve been looking after a flock of them!!
Covid – How do you keep control of them
Wit – Easy I just push them in the direction I want them to go
Covid – With your bare hands?
Wit – Bare hands! I haven’t got bear hands! I’ve got human hands!
Covid – Look you idiots, I’ve got a job for the two of you. As my official bailiffs I want you to go round Smileyville and collect all the rent and pay day loans for those who don’t pay throw them out and take all their possessions as payment, got it?
Dim – Got what?
Wit – An illness!
Dim – What are your symptoms?
Wit – When I touch my arm like this it hurts touches his arm with his finger ouch!
Dim – No, anything else?
Wit – When I touch my leg like this it hurts touches his leg with the same finger ouch!
Dim – That is awful! Anything else?
Wit – When I touch my head like this it hurts touches his head with the same finger ouch!
Dim – I wonder what it could be!
Covid – He’s broken his finger! You two are completely stupid. Now I need someone who is responsible
Another Scene
Covid enters SL
Covid – Did I hear my name? Just can’t believe how popular I am!
Dame – Oh look its Piers Morgan
Covid – Hello Dame Betsy. Have you got something for me?
Dame – Clenches her fist and pulls her arm back Nope
Covid – You owe me rent and money from my pay day loan company
Dame – Do I? Are you sure?
Covid – Yes of course I am Pulls a small book out his pocket there you owe me twenty-six weeks rent and money you borrowed for your wide screen TV
Dame – Do I?
Covid – Sarcastically No of course you don’t. I owe you money
Dame – You do!
Covid – No, I was being funny! Is this so-called joke in every scene? Stage crew walks on with a script and thumbs through it whilst pointing and nodding then walks off Great. This really is lazy script writing, the writer should be ashamed
Dame – Oh Ok, so what you are saying is Dame Betsy Goose is twenty-six weeks overdue with her rent and I am behind on my 85’’ Plasma TV . Are you sure?
Covid – Yes, I am and if I don’t get my money, you will be thrown out on your ear, and I will take the TV away
Dame – Pardon
Covid – Are you deaf?
Dame – No, I was just practising for being thrown out on my ear. Well actually a few months ago my doctor told me I was going deaf, haven’t heard from him since! Anyway, how much do I owe you?
Covid – Fifty pounds including rates
Dame – Rates! We’ve only got mice. You are not having the TV as I need to see the next episode of Love Island
Covid – Love Island! What rubbish
Dame – Excuse me, I won it last year. Would you like to see me in my Bikini?
All cast and crew run on stage and shout NO
Covid – Right I’ve had enough. DIM, WIT, COME HERE
Dim and Wit enter SL and stand either side of the Dame
Well then do I send them in to evict you?
Billy enters SR
Billy – Hiya kids. What is going on? Mum, are you alright?
Dame – No I’m not he’s going to depict me, and I will have no roof to my mouth She starts sobbing
Libby and Harry enter SR
Libby – What is going on
Billy – Covid has threatened to throw Mum out of our shop and home
Libby – Oh no, was she alarmed?
Billy – Alarmed! Who want to steal her?
Libby – I meant distressed
Billy – No she’s fully clothed
Libby – You are so stupid. Mum, are you ok? Covid you are a horrible despicable man
Covid – Compliments will get you nowhere. To Libby So, have you thought about my offer? Could save you a lot of heartache
Harry – What offer?
Covid – Nothing my lovely nephew. Now just to show that I am a nice person Dame Betsy, I’ll make you an offer. If you pay me now, I am prepared to forget about half of the money
Dame – Ok, if you are prepared to forget about half I am prepared to forget about the other half. So, it was nice doing business with you. Goodbye
Covid – That’s it, I’ve had enough. Dim, Wit, in you go
Harry – STOP! Uncle, I can’t let you do this. Leave it to me, I can sort this out Slaps thigh. Dame Betsy, how much do you owe?
Dame – Not much, only one hundred pounds
Covid – One hundred, you charlatan
Dame – Charlotte who?
Covid – Charlatan, you fake
Dame – Arms folded lifting her chest They are not fake!
Covid – You are so frustrating, just like this script! You owe me fifty pounds
Dame – I know, was just thinking of the future. Harry gives the Dame £50
Covid – If I had my way you wouldn’t have a future. Come on you two
Prologue
All villagers exits stage right as they do, Buttons enters upstage left
Buttons – Cinderella, Cinders. To the audience. You haven’t seen Cinderella have you? I’m looking for her as I have something important to tell her. Well, in the meantime, hello kids, my name is Buttons. Every time I come on stage I’ll shout out “HELLO KIDS” and you can shout out “HELLO BUTTONS”. Will you do that for me? etc.
Dandini enters upstage left
Dandini – Excuse me young man
Buttons turns to face Dandini
Sorry, should have gone to Specsavers. To whom am I speaking?
Buttons – You’re posh. Are you Jacob Rees Mogg?
Dandini – No, I am not. My name is Dandini
Buttons – Dindani, nice to meet you
Dandini – No, my name is Dandini
Buttons – Sorry, Dan
Dandini – It’s not Dan its DANDINI!
Buttons – Sorry, Mr Dani
Dandini – Listen, its Dan
Buttons – Dan
Dandini – Good, now Dini
Buttons – Dini, got it Dindani
Dandini – DINI, DINI
Buttons – This is now turning into a Blondie tribute act
Dandini – DANDINI, you’ll get this one way or another
Buttons – Are you sure about this Blondie thing? Anyway what do you want?
Dandini – Well, I’ve come to Smileyville to inform everyone of an event that is happening this very evening
Buttons – Well, that’s a rinky dink ’cause I’m looking for Cinderella to tell her of an event that’s happening too. Her Father is returning from working away, he’s been helping preparing food for the homeless and people who are substance dependant
Dandini – Sounds like a first class chap. What charity was he working for?
Buttons – Charity! No he was a chef at Weatherspoon’s. What was the event you mentioned?
Dandini – Prince Charming is throwing a Ball at the palace tonight
Buttons – Throwing a ball at the palace? He’ll have to be careful he doesn’t smash a window!
Dandini – Smash a window! Are you the village idiot?
Buttons – I was till you got here
Dandini – No, he is having a party, stupid
Buttons – Why are you telling me?
Another Scene
Cinderella – What a beautiful day. It is so nice to be out for an hour. The sky is blue, the birds are singing and even though we have no money, it is lovely to be alive. I’ll tell you how poor we are, we have people in Africa sending us money! If I could have just one wish, it would be for daddy to come home.
Baron – Shouting from off stage left Cinderella, Cinderella. I’m home
Baron Bread-Line enters stage left
Cinders, there you are. I’ve missed you so much
Cinderella – Daddy, you are back. I’ve missed you too
Baron – Oh Cinders, I hope all is well and Buttons has been looking after you
Cinderella – Yes daddy he has, but it’s not the same. He does get a bit over protective. Any boys who come near me, he makes sure they don’t get too close. More’s the pity
Baron – More’s the pity! Oh, I see. I have been away a long time and you have grown up so much, but luckily I think our troubles are over
Cinderella – Over! What do you mean?
Baron – I have a big surprise for you
Cinderella – Oh daddy, this is fantastic I couldn’t be any happier. You are home and our financial worries are over! What is the big surprise? I want to know now!
Baron – Ok, close your eyes and count to 10
Cinderella puts her hands in front of her eyes and starts counting out loud
Cinderella – 1,2,3,4……..
Baroness Tinnitus enters stage left, walking past the Baron and stops staring at Cinderella
Cinderella – 7,8,9,10
Cinderella opens her eyes, looks at the Baroness
Baroness – screams ARGH
Cinderella – screams ARGH
Baron walks between the two, Cinderella and Baroness look at the Baron and both scream
Both – ARGH
Baron – jumps back and screams ARGH
Baroness – What is this? Do you want the address of the homeless shelter?
Cinderella – Homeless shelter! Who is this daddy?
Baroness – Daddy! You never told me you had a sprog!
Baron – Sprog, This is my beautiful daughter, Cinderella
Baroness – Beautiful, you should’ve gone to Specsavers
Cinderella – Daddy, who is this? This can’t be my surprise, more like a nightmare
Baroness – Rude! You will rue the day you said that to me
Baron – Cinders, this is your new stepmother
Cinderella – Stepmother? But daddy, how could you?
Baron – She has money. This will keep the bailiffs away from our door. Cinders, please, her bark is worse than her bite
Cinderella – Not surprised I’ve seen her teeth
Baroness – I am telling you Egbert, things are going to change around here and fast. The first thing is ‘that’ pointing at Cinderella will have to sleep in the barn
Baron – She will certainly not, this is my beautiful Cinderella
Baroness – If you want to see any of my money, she certainly will. Beautiful, you say. Just wait till you meet my daughters, Rubella and Malaria, then you will know what beauty is
Baron and Cinderella look at each other and then into the audience
Both – Daughters!
Baroness – Well I’m off
Cinderella – to the audience Thought I could smell something
Baroness – I’m going to look round the rest of this dump. As Kirsty and Phil would say, ‘It’s a bit of a doer upper’
Baroness exits upstage left
Baron – I’m so sorry Cinders, she is nothing like her on-line profile
Baron and Cinderella exit upstage left
Rubella and Malaria enter upstage right
Rubella – We are here. Malaria, let’s have a good look round to see what we have let ourselves in for
Both stop and look into the audience
Malaria – Oh Rubella, it looks like the holding pen for the Jeremy Kyle show
Rubella – Looks like we will have no competition when we have beauty like what we have got
Malaria – Yes beauty, compared with me you do come a distant second
Rubella – Very funny! Now that we’ve moved here, you will be known as the M4 turn off
Malaria – How much money did you raise?
Rubella – When?
Malaria – For Movember
Rubella – Cheek! Everyone says I get my looks from our handsome father
Malaria – Yes, just finish growing your beard and you will be the spit of him
Rubella – Look here fatty, you’re so big you’ve got a reversing bleeper
Malaria – Cheek! You’re so big when you walk into a room, people wonder who ordered the bouncy castle
Rubella – Oi, you keep forgetting the time we met Kate Moss and she said looking at me was like looking in a mirror
Malaria – Yes, at a funfair. You are the only person I know who gets their clothes from Blacks. I can see where they’ve taken the guide ropes out!
Rubella – At least I’m not as ugly as you! You are so ugly if you went for a walk in the woods, you’d find truffles!
Malaria – Me! If you went to enter an ugly contest. They’d say sorry no professionals!
Rubella – Charming, I can remember when you were born, you were so ugly the midwife smacked our mother
A Scene
A cloud above the land of Smileyville
S/FX – Fairy music L/FX – Orange lighting Fairy Godmother enters FAR
Fairy – Welcome to my little show
The funs about to start
Turn off your phones and share your sweets
And open up your heart
All stories have a tale to tell
Some are even witty
Unfortunately, this has neither
This script is such a pity
The writing is very poor
The story line is slack
So please form a queueIf you want your money back
Pauses and looks round the audience, then speaks
You’ve been warned!
I love to be a fairy
I am pleasant, that is fine
The thing I dislike most
Is rhyming all the time
Even though I’m supposed to rhyme
The script tells me to say
There is a lot to remember
So, I’ll tell my story my way
Hello lovely people allow me to introduce myself properly and not in a rhyming couplet! My name is Nuff, the Fairy. Fairy Nuff. See what I mean about this script! I am the Fairy Godmother of all the fairies in the universe and I make sure that all my fairies look after all the lovely people and help all the horrible people to become nice. Now, you will have to concentrate because this story takes some following. I will do a recap later for the people who get lost.
Once upon a time, as all good stories start there was a young boy who lived in China who found a magic lamp pauses and thinks apologies that was last year’s nonsense. Do any of you like animals? Waits for audience reaction Good, because this story is all about a cat called Puss, yes, Puss in boots. So, are you ready to go to the little village of Smileyville? Waits for audience reaction
The time is right, the mood is good
We do not want you moping
Let the story now unfold
And get this curtain open
shakes her head in disbelief, looks to the wings
Sorry, that’s about as good as it gets, good luck and it is too late on the refund!
Fairy Godmother exits FAR shaking her head curtain opens
Another Scene
Act 1
Scene 1 – Full stage
The Village Smileyville
Song 1
Full stage lighting to give impression of sunny day (L/FX) the villagers are having a good time singing and dancing
After the song all leave except for 4 villagers
Polly enters USR
Polly – Hello everyone
Villagers – Hello Polly
Villager 1 – Sad news about the Bit family
Polly – It is sad news about Jack, Slap and Stick’s dad passing away
Villager 1 – But it is good that they have agreed to split everything fairly
Polly – Fairly, I find it hard to believe that Slap and Stick would ever be fair. Legend has it that the mill where they lived had magic powers
Villager 2 – They are at the solicitors now signing all the documents
Harry enters USR carrying a paint pot and brush
Harry – Hello everyone
Villagers – Hello Harry
Harry – Sheepishly Hello Polly
Polly – Sheepishly Hello Harry, have you heard about the Bits?
Harry – Yes, it is sad, especially for Jack as he was so close to his father. The other two Slap and Stick, I wouldn’t trust as far as I could throw them. Anyway, I must get on, I must paint that fence moves to the FF left and starts painting
Villager 3 – Come on let’s leave these two love birds alone
Polly – Love birds, us, don’t be so silly
Villagers exit USL
It is sad, but I will miss him, he was always so nice
Harry – engrossed in painting Hm! What
Polly – Mr Bit
Harry – Alright, no need to be so bossy, I’ve only just started
Polly – Started! Started what?
Harry – Started painting!
Polly – I know I was here when you started
Harry – Ok, just don’t start
Polly – Why would I start? That painting is your job
Harry – I know it’s my job, that why I started it and I don’t need anyone criticising me
Polly – I wasn’t criticising you
Harry – Good, cause this difficult work and I need to concentrate engrossed in painting
Polly – Ok, I was just saying he will be missed
Harry – What?
Polly – Mr Bit
Harry – I’ve only just started! I’m going to finish this when no one is around to criticise
Harry picks up his paint pot and brush and storms off FFR
Polly – Just when I think he feels the same way about me he goes and ruins it. I get the feeling that all men are moody!
Polly exits USL as Slap and Stick enter SL
Slap – Well that went better than I thought
Stick – Yes it did, we got the mill and Jack got the cat. I can’t believe he would sign that deal
Slap – He didn’t know what he was signing! Because he trusts us, he didn’t realise we’ve diddled him out of his inheritance
Stick – Brilliant
Slap – Now we can start to look for the magic powers that are supposed to be in the mill
Stick – What will they look like?
Slap – Don’t know, never seen magic powers
Both start to think
Stick – I know that cats prefer wizards to witches
Slap – How did you work that out?
Stick – Because sometimes sorcerers have milk in them
Slap – You are so stupid
Stick – I am not!
Slap – Yes, you are, remember when dad asked you to help blow up balloons for my surprise birthday
Stick – Yes
Slap – Well, we are twins!!
Stick – It was a surprise for me too
Slap – You are useless, you can’t even keep a job. You were fired from the job as a stage designer
Stick – I left without making a scene
Slap – You were offered the job in the mirror factory
Stick – Well, I couldn’t see myself doing that
Slap – If brains were dynamite you couldn’t blow your nose. Now let’s get back to the mill and find the magic powers. Now that we have diddled our brother Jack out of his share of the mill!
Slap and Stick exit SR
Another Scene
Lighting L/FX blue glow Rapscallion enters SL
Rapscallion – Hello young lady, my name is Rapscallion
Dame – Hello young pauses looks Rapscallion up and down youngish person, I’m Dame Birley Shassey
Rapscallion – What is a beautiful woman like you doing in a place like this?
Dame – Waiting to be swept off my feet
Rapscallion – I need a Tsunami to do that
Dame – You tease, so what can I do for you?
Rapscallion – I was wondering if you could help me, I was hoping you could tell me something about the mill
Dame – The hill! What hill?
Rapscallion – Hill! I didn’t say hill I said Mill! You need a hearing test!
Dame – What would I do with a hairy chest! So, what hill do you want to know about?
Rapscallion – Mill, the mill, which is owned by those two twits, who just fiddled their brother Jack out of his share, that mill
Dame – To wits to who, I am sounding like an owl! What are you on about?
Rapscallion – Why is this so difficult! You know the two brothers who own the mill?
Dame – No there are three brothers who own the mill, Jack, Slap and Stick
Rapscallion – No, no. the mill is owned by two brothers
Dame – There must be another mill then
Rapscallion – Are there two mills in this area?
Dame – No, only one owned by the Bits family, the brothers, Jack, Slap and Stick
Rapscallion – Jack doesn’t have a share of the mill his brothers have diddled him out of his share
Dame – So, Jack owns the other mill then?
Rapscallion – There isn’t another mill, there is only the one mill
Dame – You seem to know a lot about this mill, tell me more
Rapscallion – Tell you more about what?
Dame – The two mills
Rapscallion – Two mills, no its one mill
Dame – That’s a lot of money for one mill
Rapscallion – What money?
Dame – One mill for a mill which is a run of the mill type mill, that mill
Rapscallion – Is the mill for sale?
Dame – You just said it was
Rapscallion – I did!
Dame – There, you’ve admitted it, are you going to buy it?
Rapscallion – I am not buying the brothers’ mill
Dame – You could buy Jack’s mill then
Rapscallion – Jack hasn’t got a mill
Dame – That was a quick sale
Rapscallion – Jack hasn’t sold the mill
Dame – So it’s back on the market
Rapscallion – Listen before one of us dies! Jack has been swindled out of his share of the mill by his brothers and all he has left is his cat
Dame – He can’t live in a cat, does Jack know?
Rapscallion – Yes, I told him earlier
Dame – I hope you were clearer when you told him than you were with me
Princess Libby enters USR
Libby – Hiya Dame Birley, who is this?
Dame – This is Slapstallion she is an estate agent specialising in mills. This is Princess Libby
Rapscallion – I’m not an estate, doesn’t matter to the audience this one would make a perfect gift for my master
Libby – Nice to meet you
Rapscallion – You also, anyway I must be off, a lot to do
Dame – Those mills won’t sell themselves
Rapscallion – completely defeated No they won’t
Rapscallion exits SL L/FX to beginning of scene
Another Scene
Prologue
King Dom and Queen Edy enter USR
Queen – Looking round Where is my Fanfare?
A knave appears SR with a trumpet S/FX
Darling I think we are not being taken seriously by our subjects
King – What makes you think that dear?
Queen – That fanfare for a start! Then there was the supermarket opening, there was more of us in the royal party than the public!
Libby – Perhaps it’s because the two of you have lost touch with your public
King – What makes you think that?
Libby – The Royal BBQ, what did you turn up with to eat?
King – Venison
Libby – Yes, dead deer
Queen – I know it is, our butcher spent hours preparing it, shows we have class
Libby – Mummy you just don’t get it, the public have been living in hard times, they’ve had to tighten their belts
King – Well they should eat more
Libby – They would if they could afford it
Queen – If they worked harder, they would earn more and then they could spend it on food
Libby – They do work harder it’s because you put their taxes up
Queen – Yes, a good idea of mine and I will be putting them up again to pay for our holiday! Now I’m off
King – Thought I could smell something
Queen – You are either very brave or very stupid. Now, I’m off to get my back waxed
Queen exits SR
Libby – Daddy you need to tell her to be more considerate, your public need to feel that they are appreciated and not being dictated to
King – I know she can be a little hard at times, I’ll have a word with her. Don’t worry
King exits SR
Puss enters SL and breaks wind S/FX
Libby – Sees Puss I thought that was another royal fanfare, hello who are you?
Jack enters SR
Jack – Puss
Libby – Looking in disbelief A talking cat! I can’t believe it!
Jack – And I am Jack
Libby – You’re a ventriloquist?
Jack – No I was behind Puss and you thought… it doesn’t matter
Libby – Hello Jack, I’m Libby
Puss curls up and goes to sleep
Jack – Do you live locally?
Libby – I live near the palace and you?
Jack – The palace, have you ever seen the King and Queen?
Libby – A few times!
Jack – What about their daughter?
Libby – Once or twice!
Jack – Is she as pretty as you?
Libby – I don’t know, who knows what pretty is?
Jack – I do and you are pretty
Libby – You haven’t seen the Princess yet!
Jack – I wouldn’t care
Libby – She has money!
Jack – Money isn’t the answer to everything. I would prefer to fall in love with a girl for being her and who would love me for me
Puss wakes up and stands between them listening to the conversation
Libby – Have you ever met such a girl?
Jack – Up until now, no! Have you?
Libby – Up until now, no! Have you?
Both – Looking lovingly into each other’s eyes No, Have you?
A cloud above the land of Smileyville
Fairy bells (S/F) and orange lighting SR (L/F)
Fairy Sessile enters front apron right with 4 smaller tree fairies and addresses the audience
Fairy Sessile – Welcome my friends and I’m Fairy Sessile
I bring you news to make you feel
Joyous and happy of an event on earth
It is a heart-warming royal birth
A baby girl and such a beauty
In fact she is a real cutie
Gesturing to the smaller fairies
We must now go and be on our way
To prepare for the royal christening day
The smaller fairies exit front apron right
I love party makes everyone happy
Just pleased I’m not changing a nappy
Lighting changes to green on front apron left as Orabelle enters and talks to the audience
Orabelle – A royal birth after all this age
Not a mention on my facebook page
Talks to Sessile
Oi goody two shoes, a royal baby born?
Fairy Sessile – Orabelle!
It’s true and that will make you scorn
Orabelle – You would think so, but I am happy
Just don’t expect me to change a nappy
Fairy Sessile – You pleased, you are always sour
Never been in a pub during happy hour
Orabelle – Well see you at the christening, maybe
Letting friends know, # royal baby
Fairy Sessile – You have no friends and stay away
They won’t want you at the christening day
Every time you’re mean and full of malice
That’s why you are banned from the royal palace
Orabelle – Banned, we’ll see, and try as they might
Just looking forward to getting my invite
Addressing the audience
Time to get ready to the party I’ll go
See you all there and I will say ‘hello’
Orabelle exits apron left
Ha ha ha ha ha
Lighting changes back
Fairy Sessile – This is not good news, Orabelle is nothing but trouble
Must get back to Smileyville right at the double
We all thought she died ages ago
And was scaring horrible people below
Won’t tell the others it ruin their day
So must keep my guard up and keep her at bay
So my friends I now think it’s time
To get on with this pantomime
Curtain opens as Sessile walks off front apron right
Another Scene
The Royal Palace Ballroom
Full stage lighting to give impression of sunny day (L/F)
Song 1 – Chorus
End of song all leave except for 6 courtiers
Lord Ditherer enters upstage right, feather duster in one hand and tin of polish in the other and all in a dither
Ditherer – We have so much to do and not enough time to do it, new baby, palace in disarray, Queen Camilla will not be best pleased and then there will be heads to roll. Where is that useless excuse of an odd job man, Twitters?
Looks around the courtiers all shake their heads
He is never around when needed
1st courtier – Last time I saw him he was going to become an entrepreneur
Ditherer – Entre! What?
1st courtier – preneur
Ditherer – Ben Hur. He hasn’t got a horse, let alone a chariot
All – ENTREPRENEUR!!
Ditherer – What is that?
2nd Courtier – It’s a business magnate
Ditherer – Business magnate? He couldn’t even be a fridge magnet!
Now where is he, find him immediately and send him to me
All courtiers leave calling for Twitters
Twitters enters upstage left singing to himself
Ditherer – Where have you been? You should have been here 15 minutes ago
Twitters – Why, what happened?
Ditherer – What happened! Nothing happened
Twitters – Well I didn’t miss anything then
Ditherer – You are depriving the village of a very good idiot
Twitters – Thanks
Ditherer – What present did you buy the baby?
Twitters – I bought her a puppy
Ditherer – A puppy how lovely. Oh, have you sorted out the entertainment for this evening’s party?
Twitters – Well sort of, I have ordered a foam disco, photo booth, chocolate fountain and a bouncy castle
Ditherer – Foam disco, photo booth, chocolate fountain and a bouncy castle, it’s a christening not an 18 – 30 holiday. Cancel the lot and get us some musical entertainment
Twitters – How about Justin Bieber
Ditherer – That’s an oxymoron
Twitters – What is?
Ditherer – Musical entertainment, Justin Bieber an oxymoron
Twitters – I suppose he is
Ditherer – He’s so stupid he would have to get naked to count to 21. I’m off
Twitters – Thought I could smell something
Ditherer – I’m off to sort out all the arrangements, don’t let me down
Ditherer exits upstage left
Another Scene
Fingers and Thumbs enter upstage left followed by the King and Queen
Fingers – My lords, ladies and gentlemen
Thumbs – King Charles the spaniel and Queen Camilla
They start playing the royal fanfare
Queen – Oh Charles this is going to be the best party ever. The best food, the finest champagne, the best entertainment I’ve heard we have Justin Bieber!
King – Well that’s an oxymoron
Queen – Yes I’ve heard he is
King – He is not coming, too expensive, we had booked Lady Gaga, but she left as well after someone ate her dress!!!
Queen – I wonder who would have done that
Gran enters upstage right eating some meat
Gran – Hiya you two, just finishing off some meat which was on a hanger in the kitchen! Well I hope the party last longer than your money
King – What do you mean by that?
Gran – I know you have no money
King – How do you know I have no money?
Gran – I went to book my 18 – 30 Ibiza holiday on your travel account and they said you haven’t paid then for my last holiday on safari in Africa. I shot and elephant in my nightie, what he was doing in my nightie is another story
King – Africa! Safari! Ibiza! You 18 – 30 holiday, aren’t you a bit old for that?
Gran – 18, 30 that’s 48, plus vat, about right. Any way I am going to get ready for the party tonight. I’ve bought the best gift ever for the christening party
King – Who paid for that and what did you buy?
Gran – You did and you’ll have to wait, see you later I’m off to get ready
Gran exits upstage left as King speaks
King – There’s not enough hours for her to get anywhere near respectable let alone ready. Since she moved in 15 years ago she has made my life a misery
Queen – Don’t be so horrible gran has been an absolute godsend since little Libby was born
King – Godsend, does that mean we can return her!!!
Queen – I’m off to get ready for this evening, can you get Dame Ascope to bring the baby down so all our guests can marvel at her beauty
Queen exits upstage left followed by Fingers and Thumbs
King – Yes dear, what am I going to do there is so much uncertainty, the strength of the pound, weak interest rates, Brexit? I thought Brexit was something you ate for constipation
King exits upstage left
Another scene
Act 1
Scene 3 – full stage
The Palace gardens
Full stage lighting to give impression of sunny day (L/F)
Song 2 – Chorus
Chorus leave except 3 hand maidens, Princess Libby enters upstage left
Princess – What a beautiful day for my eighteenth birthday, I am so happy
All – Happy birthday Princess
Princess – Thank you all, I can’t wait for my party tonight, it is going to be the best party ever
1st Maiden – What are you going to wear
Princess – I am not sure at the moment, are all of you dressing up
2nd Maiden – Are we invited
Princess – You are all invited
3rd Maiden – Thank you Princess, can we go and get ready please
Princess – Of course you can, see you later
All 3 maidens leave upstage left
Princess – If only I could find someone who would love me for who I am and for me to love them for whom they are, it is not about having lots of money, being tremendously handsome, great body and a fantastic personality, is it? Yes of course it is, just trying to sound sincere.
King enters upstage left
King – There you are Libby, I’ve been looking for you. Are you excited about us throwing a ball at the palace tonight?
Queen enters upstage left
Queen – Why do you want to throw a ball at the palace? You might break a window and with your finances
King – Sometimes Camilla I wonder about you, I mean we are throwing a party
Queen – Well why didn’t you say that, instead of trying to be clever
Gran enters stage left
Gran – Trying to be clever, he’s so thick light bends round him
Gran exits stage right
King – I just wish she would show more respect. Libby this is going to be such a magnificent party all of neighbouring royalty and the rich and famous have been invited
Princess – How can I thank you both for putting on this party for me
Queen – By marrying a rich Prince
Princess – Mother I want to marry for love and not money
King – Yes and that’s what happened with me and your mum
Prologue
S/FX – Loud thunder L/FX – Green lighting
Abanazar enters SL
Abanazar – I am the great Abanazar the clever, cunning, handsome and most deliberately evil magician in all of Egypt and I am about to take over the whole world. You see I have simply outgrown this dump of a place and I am a bit tired of all this sand! World domination is my plan and lucky for you, points to the audience you are here to see the master at work. I do need some help from Seraphina the spirit of the magic ring. Abanazar talks to the ring Magic ring help me
L/FX – lights flash off and back on immediately
Seraphina enters through the centre of the curtains
Seraphina – You summoned me oh gracious one What is it I enquire?
Is it to make you young and handsome? Is that your heart’ desire?
Abanazar – Young! Handsome! Why would I ask you for that? I am all of these things and more!
No, I want you to help me take over the whole world
Seraphina – To take over the whole world
And you call this place a dump
I hope it is for greater good
Cause you are not Donald Trump!
Abanazar – Trump! With this hair! Listen I of course will be looking after the poor and needy aside to the audience me. So, tell me Seraphina how do I go about such an undertaking.
Seraphina – As your intentions are so true
And helping others with good deeds
To make your challenge easier
The magic lamp fulfils your needs
Abanazar – Magic lamp! Tell me more about this intriguing magic lamp
Seraphina – The Lamp you seek is far away Hidden beneath the ground
There it lies for many years Completely safe and sound
Abanazar – Safe, sound, lies, hidden, far away, tell me more, I need to know
NOW!
Seraphina – To retrieve the lamp you can’t do alone
As the cave to where it’s hidden
Only allows honest folk in
As all evil it has ridden
Abanazar – Evil, why not me! Ok I can see some people might not have seen the true charitable me, so who?
Seraphina – You will need someone who is true of heart
Clever, strong and pure
And only then the lamp be freed
Of that you can be sure
Abanazar – True of heart, brave strong and pure, reminds me of what I was like in my youth. So, WHO is this person?
Seraphina – Your memory is quite select
You think you are quite swanky
The person you need and seek
The son of Widow Twankey
Abanazar – Swanky, Twankey he sneezes where’s my hanky. Where will I find this desirable young boy?
Another Scene
Act 1
Scene 1 – Full stage
The Market Square in Pekin
Song 1
Full stage lighting to give impression of sunny day (L/FX) the villagers are having a good time singing and dancing. After the song all leave except for 4 villagers
Princess Libby and Polly Waddle Doodle enter in villager costumes USR
Villager 1 – What a great day it is, lovely weather seeing Princess and Polly hello you two, haven’t seen you before
Polly – No we are new to the area
Villager 2 – Where are you from?
Libby – Oh a place you wouldn’t have heard of, it is miles away
Villager 3 – So, are you sisters?
Libby – Sounding flustered Yes!
Polly – Yes, that’s right we are sisters
Villager 4 – Where do you live?
Libby – Oh, on the outskirts of the town
Villager 1 – Near the Palace then, have you ever seen the Princess?
Polly – Once or twice
Villager 2 – Is she as pretty as they say she is?
Libby – Pretty! The Princess is pretty
Villager 3 – So we are led to believe, even thou no-one has ever seen her face
Polly – aside to Libby So they say you are pretty
Libby – Ssh, we don’t want them to find out who we are
Villager 4 – Well we will find out later as it is rumoured the Royal party will be coming through our village later today
Polly – Yes, we heard exactly the same thing
Villager 4 – Sorry, I didn’t catch your names
Aladdin enters USR and stops to look at Libby
Libby – Oh, I’m panic in her voice Libby, I mean Lilly, and this is err, err Poppy
Polly – That’s right we are Lilly and Poppy
Aladdin – Hello Lilly, hello Poppy. My name is Aladdin
Libby looks lovingly at Aladdin
Polly – sees Libby falling for Aladdin come on Lilly we must be going, we have a lot to do, say goodbye
Libby – dreamily say goodbye Polly nudges her out of her dream Goodbye
Polly – Aside to Libby Doesn’t he look like the boy who you saw looking over the Palace wall
Libby – No, he was much taller
Polly – No, he had climbed on to the wall, so you couldn’t tell how tall he was
Libby – Realising Oh, I see
Polly guides Libby off USR
Aladdin – Who was that
She looks familiar
I am sure I have seen her before, she is the most beautiful girl I have ever seen
Villager – 1 As beautiful as the Princess that no one has ever seen close-up?
Aladdin – How would I know, I have only ever seen the Princess from a distance and it was difficult to see her clearly, but I suppose they do look similar, beautiful
Villager 2 – So you fell in love with the Princess at first sight! You couldn’t see her face clearly! And it’s against the law to look over the Palace wall. By the look on your face you’ve gone and done it again, well at least you know what she looks like!
Aladdin – I can’t help it if I’m a romantic. Where did she say she lived?
Villager 4 – On the outskirts of town, near the Palace
Villager 3 – That’s lucky for you to have both the girls of your dreams close together. You can go and sit on the Palace wall and watch them both, if the police don’t catch you
All villagers exit USR laughing at Aladdin
Aladdin – You can laugh as much as you like. The police almost caught me just now, but I managed to outrun them, anyway one day I will be with the girl of my dreams and live happily ever after
Song 2
After the song Aladdin exits S/R
Another Scene
Abanazar enters SR
Twankey – Twankey’s laundrette won’t run itself
Abanazar – To the audience Twankey’s! walks up to Widow Twankey hello beautiful this must be my lucky day
Twankey – Are you talking to me
Abanazar – Do you see anyone else I could be talking to?
Twankey – looking round No I don’t. The last man who said that to me was laying under a table in our local pub, The Pickled Liver, with a bottle of Prosecco and Labrador
Abanazar – I was hoping I could get to know you over a coffee
Twankey – A coffee! I’m not cheap you know, but luckily today I’m on special offer
Abanazar – So young lady Twankey looks round What is such a stunner doing out by themselves?
Twankey – Stunner, how true! Well if you must know I’ve been drying my smalls. I don’t believe we’ve met
Abanazar – No we haven’t I am a complete stranger
Twankey – I thought as much, as soon as I saw you I thought ‘he’s stranger’
Abanazar – Apologies. I am Abanazar and I knew your late husband
Twankey – Late! Well he never turned up on time. When and where did you meet him?
Abanazar – About 10 years ago. He was in a dark pace, wandering around looking bewildered
Twankey – Where, where was he?
Abanazar – The textiles department in IKEA. He asked me to do him a favour as we parted
Twankey – A favour, what was that?
Abanazar – To look after you and your family and to take care of your every need
Twankey – Well if that’s the case you owe me a thousand pound in child maintenance! There’s also my womanly needs that require attention
Abanazar – looking very nervous like what?
Twankey – Like what all woman need to keep them satisfied and to make sure they don’t go looking else where
Abanazar – You mean
Twankey – Yes, a foot rub and a new pair of shoes!
Abanazar – To the audience I feel sick! I must find her son. Dame Twankey I can’t wait to meet your son
Twankey – You must pop down to my laundrette and perhaps I could help you out of your dusty clothing and freshen you up
Abanazar – Nice offer, but if you don’t mind I am fine as I am
Twankey – Oh, I insist, and I won’t charge you to the audience only a slight run up she tries to put her arm around him
Abanazar – Pulling away excuse me, please don’t rub me up the wrong way
Twankey – You should be so lucky! Oh, come on all for free
Abanazar – If you don’t mind money is not a problem for me I am a millionaire with a large endowment!
Another Scene
Abanazar enters SR
Twankey – Twankey’s laundrette won’t run itself
Abanazar – To the audience Twankey’s! walks up to Widow Twankey hello beautiful this must be my lucky day
Twankey – Are you talking to me
Abanazar – Do you see anyone else I could be talking to?
Twankey – looking round No I don’t. The last man who said that to me was laying under a table in our local pub, The Pickled Liver, with a bottle of Prosecco and Labrador
Abanazar – I was hoping I could get to know you over a coffee
Twankey – A coffee! I’m not cheap you know, but luckily today I’m on special offer
Abanazar – So young lady Twankey looks round What is such a stunner doing out by themselves?
Twankey – Stunner, how true! Well if you must know I’ve been drying my smalls. I don’t believe we’ve met
Abanazar – No we haven’t I am a complete stranger
Twankey – I thought as much, as soon as I saw you I thought ‘he’s stranger’
Abanazar – Apologies. I am Abanazar and I knew your late husband
Twankey – Late! Well he never turned up on time. When and where did you meet him?
Abanazar – About 10 years ago. He was in a dark pace, wandering around looking bewildered
Twankey – Where, where was he?
Abanazar – The textiles department in IKEA. He asked me to do him a favour as we parted
Twankey – A favour, what was that?
Abanazar – To look after you and your family and to take care of your every need
Twankey – Well if that’s the case you owe me a thousand pound in child maintenance! There’s also my womanly needs that require attention
Abanazar – looking very nervous like what?
Twankey – Like what all woman need to keep them satisfied and to make sure they don’t go looking else where
Abanazar – You mean
Twankey – Yes, a foot rub and a new pair of shoes!
Abanazar – To the audience I feel sick! I must find her son. Dame Twankey I can’t wait to meet your son
Twankey – You must pop down to my laundrette and perhaps I could help you out of your dusty clothing and freshen you up
Abanazar – Nice offer, but if you don’t mind I am fine as I am
Twankey – Oh, I insist, and I won’t charge you to the audience only a slight run up she tries to put her arm around him
Abanazar – Pulling away excuse me, please don’t rub me up the wrong way
Twankey – You should be so lucky! Oh, come on all for free
Abanazar – If you don’t mind money is not a problem for me I am a millionaire with a large endowment!
Prologue
